Dear mom, dad,family, friends and everyone

Dear mom, dad, familiy, friends and everyone

this is going to be an honest letter from me to you. This is going to explain how I feel inside. When I was younger, I had bad thoughts – I still do sometimes, but the are not nearly as bad like they were before. I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t wanted to live anymore. I remember when I broke my mothers plates and all I could think of was “why isn’t is me who’s broken. Why isn’t it me who’s dead?”. No one should think like that EVER! I think I had an depression that lead to my illness, when I was younger. I felt so alone on the world, like I had no one to talk to. I grew up, got some friends, lost them again. But there are still some that sticks around, in which I don’t really understand. Cause why would you be friends with me? I am no one special. I don’t have super powers or something cool. I am just a girl that is quiet as a mouse most of the time. I portray myself as being happy. sometimes I feel happy, but deep down inside of me there are the scared little girl and a sadness that does not want to go away. I don’t know how I can make it go away. I think it’s because I’m broken. People broke me and I am still healing. I have healed so I can be happy sometimes and I can have fun, yet I sometimes feel so alone. I can sit in my room or be in a room full of people and still manage to feel alone. I know some people feel the same way, but it is a horrible feeling. I know I’m not normal and I don’t want to be. I just want to be me and free. Free from all the sadness. I’m not much into politics and I don’t really like watching the news because all I see is more sadness and sorrow. The sadness I’m trying so hard to escape from. I can sit here and smile and I  feel like I’m okay but inside I am crumbling down. But i’m building myself up again, time after time. I am fighting every single second for my life, but people don’t ever notice because I am doing it in silence, the way I taught myself to do it.  I would like to have someone to fight with but I don’t want to be with some idiot like the one before. I just want to be someones “my precious” (yes that was a Lord of the rings reference) but I just want to find the right one. Maybe not at the moment because I have to much shit to deal with right now. So maybe later in my life. I sit here and pretend everything is okay, but it’s not. I’m not okay. I’m everything but okay. I feel like my head is twirling all the time and i’m stuck in place of sadness. Maybe someone can help me with this? I am hoping, but the hope is fading. I have had a hard life,  but it still get’s harder for every day passing. Just the fact that I have to get up in the morning. I don’t know how I do it, but I still manege to do it. I am stronger then I thought I was. Maybe that’s a good thing, but maybe that’s what’s destroying me: ME!

love

Bitten